What The Jigglypuff Is A Third Cousin Twice Removed?

When I think of things that are painfully difficult to discern, organic chemistry, psychobiology, thermonuclear engine combustion, and my wife’s insanely good homemade chocolate chip cookies tweak my brain. But it also seems that I always end up having a somewhat bi-weekly discussion/dispute/expostulation/donnybrook over a subject that would make molecular biophysics look like simple addition: genealogy; specifically, what the gypsy moth is the difference between a second cousin and second cousin once removed, or third cousin twice removed. If you are like me, you wouldn’t know your third cousin once removed if they came up and bit your pinky toe. So in an attempt to educate and enlighten myself and anyone else who is genealogically benighted, I did some research and have compiled the most extensive and exclusive information on genealogy that probably you or anyone else has ever seen.

I’m sure you already know who your immediate relatives are, but just incase you are a little muddled the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (just though that would be appropriate given the current popular and controversial immigration laws) has provided us with a clear and concise definition:
To promote family unity, immigration law allows U.S. citizens to petition for certain qualified relatives to come and live permanently in the United States. Eligible immediate relatives include the U.S. citizen’s:
Spouse
Unmarried child under the age of 21
Parent (if the U.S. citizen is over the age of 21)

So, what’s after your spouse, children, and parents? Grandparents are your parents’ parents and great-grandparents are your grandparents’ parents. Aunts and uncles are brothers and sisters (I’ll let you figure out which) to your mother and father and your aunts’ and uncles’ children are your first cousins. Sure, that’s easy.

Enter the concoction of craziness and bewilderment of second cousins and cousins twice removed. Your child will be a second cousin to your first cousin’s child. (E.G. Your aunt’s grandchildren will be second cousins with your children.) Your second cousin is your grandmother’s sister’s or brother’s grandchildren, i.e. your great aunt’s or uncle’s grandchildren are your second cousins. So, your brother’s or sister’s children’s children will be your children’s children’s (your grandchildren) second cousins. Haha, okay that’s pretty simple. Now get ready to have your mind blown.

I previously had no idea what a first or second cousin once or twice removed was, and really I had no idea there was such a thing. I pretty much just referred to anyone that I knew I was related to that wasn’t my grandparent, parent, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, child, or first cousin as my second or third cousin, and I’m pretty sure that’s what most everybody else does as well. But check this: the term ‘removed’ basically just refers to the fact that a person is related from a different generation, hence they are ‘removed’. So, your first cousin once removed would be your first cousin’s child. Your aunt’s daughter (your first cousin), her child will be removed from you and your cousin by one generation, thus the ‘once removed’. Your first cousin’s grandchildren will be your first cousins twice removed, NOT your second or third cousins. Your grandchildren and your cousin’s grandchildren will be third cousins. So to continue this insanity, your great aunt’s or uncle’s grandchildren (your second cousins), their children would be your second cousins once removed (by one generation) and their grandchildren would be your second cousins twice removed (by two generations).

Read it over again, you’ll get it. It took me probably two and half years to understand all this lunacy, and I still have to sit and meditate on it every three days to comprehend it. This pattern of second cousins once, twice, and three times removed and third and fourth cousins once and twice removed just continues and keeps on increasing exponentially to the point that this bit of knowledge/moral to this whole story/way you can apply all this information to your own life can be deduced: Many of you are more than likely married to some sort of cousin and don’t have any idea.

And if you are one of those people that has previously been enlightened to this genealogical conundrum and already have a deep understanding of second and third cousindry and cousins once and twice removed, you are ¾ of the way to becoming a biochemist. Congratulations!